Time Makes You Bolder
by WorldOfTilt
Summary: Santana finds Betty's journal and can't help but relive her own journey while reading about Betty's. Mentions of past & present Brittana.


A/N: Huge thank you to DebatingDykes on twitter for her helpful beta-ing & support and to Elaine Atwell for her amazing AfterEllen Bomb Girls recaps that helped me with the timeline issues and quotes.

"San, what's in this box? I've never seen it before?" Brittany asked, standing on her tiptoes, pulling a dusty old box from the top shelf of Santana's closet. She finally pulled it loose, falling back onto the bed with a plop, the dusty box landing on her lap.

"I don't know. My mom's mother gave that to me when I was little and said I'd know why when the time came but honestly I've forgotten about it until just now. Open it up." Santana shrugged.

Brittany placed the box on the bed next to her. She studied the top. It was hinged on one side and fastened with a green velvet ribbon. There was a deep maroon paisley design embossed onto the lid. She pulled at the string; more dust flying up, getting caught in her nose. She slowly opened the box. There was a small, blue and white notebook. The edges were tattered, the lower left corner missing completely. There was a folded piece of paper sitting on top that said, "Santana" in neat cursive.

"San, your grandmother left you a note and some kind of book." Santana tried to hide the wound deep in her heart that Britt could sometimes hear in her voice. How could one grandmother love her enough to go through all this trouble, to leave her a gift, decades old and the other think Santana was a sinner and ban her from her childhood home? She shook those messy thoughts from her head and put down wet cloth she was pretending to dust with. She softly walked over to Brittany, leaning over to grab the letter and steal a kiss that made Brittany blush.

_My darling Santana,_

_I want to start off by saying I love you. You are smart, talented, strong, capable, and everything a person should be. You've made me proud and I know you will continue to do so well after I'm gone. Be true to yourself and your heart. Never forget where you came from._

_Now, as to what is in this box. Remember I used to tell you stories about the War? How I worked in the factory downtown with my sisters, building airplane parts for American's to use overseas? Well, morale wasn't very good in the States once we entered the war so a bunch of us girls at the factory decided to start a pen pal program with a factory of girls in Canada. Just to vent to others who knew what we were going through and to feel even more bonded against the evil we were fighting against._

_I got paired up with this angel of a woman named Betty McCrae. Oh, Santana, if only you could have known Betty. I think you two would have hit it off instantly. She had a tongue as sharp as glass and a wit to match. We ended up continuing our letters well after the war ended. We never met, we didn't need to. We gave each other what we needed from each other through our letters._

_Our last correspondence was right after your mother was born. We both had busy lives to lead once we settled down, after the war ended. We wrote letters back and forth to each other for decades, but time and distance and life gets in the way of things sometimes. I still think Betty was the best friend I ever had save for you and your grandfather._

_I wish I had those letters to show you, my darling. Those letters were lost long ago between moves and traveling and storms and life, those letters are lost in the wind. My only consolations are my memories of the letters and this one notebook Betty sent me towards the end of our correspondence. She must have known, like I did, that our letters were becoming less frequent so she sent me this journal she kept while working at the factory. Most of what's in it, I already knew by time she sent it but she said she needed someone to have it. Someone to know her story. She blessed me with that responsibility and now I am passing that gift on to you. It's Betty's story but I think you'll see a lot of yourself in there as well, my beautiful._

_I learned a lot from Betty. She taught me how to be strong and self sufficient in a time when that wasn't expected or accepted from women. I saved this hoping to give it to your mother, but I learned that it wasn't for her. I learned years ago this story is for you. You'll know what I mean once you start reading._

_I love you forever,_

_Grandma_

Santana slowly put the letter back down in the box. She sat silently for a few beats before slowly running her fingers over the cover of the book.

"Wow, that's amazing. San, open the book! This is so exciting!" Brittany bounced up and down on the bed.

Santana reached out she carefully took the small, yet surprisingly heavy book, out of the box and placed it on her lap. She took a deep breath and opened the cover.

The writing was small, close together. Santana could feel that it was written quickly, but thoughtfully.

She sat staring at the first page for what felt like hours. Brittany had gotten up to continue their annual Spring Cleaning of Santana's room. Which basically meant Brittany did a lot of heavy lifting, while Santana dusted a little bit & admired Brittany in short shorts.

"San, my mom says I have to come home. Will you let me know what the book says later?" Brittany swiped a hand under Santana's face after receiving a text from her mother.

"What? Oh, Britt. I'm sorry. What?" Santana crinkled her nose in confusion.

"You're so silly. It's late, I have to go home. Call me later." Brittany gracefully swung her bag over one shoulder, leaning down to give Santana a goodbye kiss. "Love you."

"I love you, Britt." Santana smiled, her eyes trailing her girlfriend out of the room. She tilted her head towards the window, her shoulders slumping when she heard Brittany's car door close and engine drive off.

She looked back down at the open notebook on her lap. She cleared off some room, bringing her legs up, crossing them underneath herself.

"Ok, Betty. You seem to be important to my grandmother and she thinks you'll be important to me, let's see what you have to say." Santana leaned back against the headboard and started reading.

_January 4, 1941_

_We got a new girl on the floor today. Her name's Kate. She has hair the color of a poppy flower and eyes that, well never mind about her eyes. I met her first at the boarding house, I'm skeptical, she couldn't even open the door to her room. She says she's from out West but she doesn't say much else. Lorna told me to take her onto the blue shift and show her the ropes. It feels different showing Kate around than those other girls. Kate seems eager to learn, but there's something about her I can't place yet. She ain't got farm blood in her, that's for sure. Kate says we're gonna be good friends, but I can't say anything about that yet. She has to prove herself on the line first, which she didn't do a great job of today. I can't tell nobody else this, but usually in the showers I do my duty, make sure there's nothing on me, but today I accidentally caught a glimpse of Kate. She had these scars on her back and all I wanted to do in that moment was heal them and make them go away. I've never wanted to make someone's scars go away before._

Santana paused, images of Brittany floating through her mind. She didn't know what Betty or Kate looked like but she couldn't help imagining herself as Betty and Brittany as Kate. That's exactly how she felt, will always feel about Brittany. Santana thinks that sometimes she feels more pain when Brittany is crying or hurt than when she is herself.

_Later at bar, she asked me to dance. Ain't nothing different about that, I dance with line girls all the time, there aren't many men around these days for women to dance with. But again, something felt different about dancing with Kate, but none of that matters. We have bombs to build._

_I don't know about Kate, she's hiding something. I can feel it, but I said to her, "__Whatever you're running from, you're safe here now. I'll make sure." And I will. I know a thing or two about hiding._

Santana, knew, years ago she knew, what it was like to hide something. To hide yourself. Santana could tell Betty was strong. Strong of mind, of heart, and she was pretty sure Betty could probably hold her own in a fight. She also knew that no matter how strong you are, sometimes there are things that are stronger.

_January 11, 1941_

_Lorna's been bugging that new girl Kate for her security papers. She can't find them, she says. I offered to help her out. Anyway, I think there's something going on with Kate, there's something secretive about her. She needs my help, she wants my help. I want to help her, I need to help her._

Santana looked up with a slight crooked smile, "they sound a lot like me and Britt," Santana said out loud, thinking back fondly to years ago when she would, had, to protect Brittany from bullies and teachers and the world. Even at a young age, the first time she ever saw her face, Santana knew one of her jobs in life was to protect Brittany. Betty seemed to want to protect Kate after only knowing her a short time also. Santana took a deep breath and went back to reading.

_I took Kate to see a guy I know who could help her with those missing security papers of hers. I could tell Kate didn't have much experience with paying for goods. Well, when the cost was paying without money. She took those pictures like a movie star; she looked like a movie star. She looked at me like she thought I was special, I ain't special. I'm just helping my friend out. I won't lie and say I minded her giving me a picture as thanks, though._

_Kate stayed the night. It's not uncommon for girls in the boarding house to spend the night in each other's rooms. We drink, get to listening to the radio, it gets late. I liked watching to make sure Kate was sleeping peacefully. She looked so calm._

Santana looked up again, a more serious look on her face. She closed her eyes, thinking back to the first time she and Brittany shared a bed. Well, a sleeping bag. It was sophomore year of High School, the very beginning of the year only a few weeks after she first met Brittany in the Cheerio's locker room. Sue had organized a team sleepover to act as a bonding event, but it ended up that they spent the whole weekend cleaning Sue's apartment and doing her laundry. They all slept in Sue's living room; sleeping bags spread out like a live game of Tetris.

Santana was relieved to find out the newbies would all be sleeping in the same cramped corner, she was less relieved when she was told by an upperclassman that they'd be two to a sleeping bag. Panic would have been mild for what Santana felt at that moment. She'd have to share a sleeping bag with another girl. They'd be pressed up against each other, in tiny pajamas. She closed her eyes and prayed for it to be Brittany. As much as Santana knew she'd probably die if it was Brittany, she knew Britt would make the situation as comfortable as possible.

Santana's eyes were still closed when she felt something press up against her nose. She quickly opened her eyes but couldn't make out the sight. She blinked a few time and took a step back. It was Brittany. She had her finger on Santana's nose.

"What are you doing?" Santana asked slowly, moving her head side to side, but Brittany's finger followed.

"I thought you fell asleep standing up so I was holding up in case you fell. I don't want you to fall." Brittany answered as if there couldn't possibly be another answer.

"But then you'd be standing there all night holding me up."

"But you wouldn't fall."

Santana swallowed hard, wondering if Brittany could feel the heat in her face through her nose.

"Thank you, but I sleep lying down. I was just thinking." Santana bowed her head and Brittany finally dropped her finger.

"Oh good, so do I. Let's be sleeping bag partners, ok?" Brittany asked, clapping her hands together.

Before Santana could answer, she was being pulled down into a neon pink sleeping bag with a unicorn on it. Santana didn't sleep that night. Brittany slept like an angel, it's not that Santana wasn't tired and she did feel uncomfortably comfortable being that close to Brittany, it's that she couldn't take her eyes off her friend. Brittany looked so calm and soft. Santana wanted to sleep next to her forever.

_January 25, 1941_

_I'm still really trying to figure Kate out. I mean we've become good friends Kate, Princess, and me. In my time at VicMu, I've never had friends like these girls. It's a nice feeling. To be a apart of something, it makes me feel special._

Santana wiped a tear from her eye. How could she and Betty be so much alike, how could she have felt the same things this stranger felt. She flashed back to Rachel in the choir room, "Being a part of something special, makes you special, right?"

_Anyway, I got chosen to be the spokesperson for VicMu, for this commercial they were filming. They wanted a pretty young girl; I was their second choice. We filmed part of the commercial outside a beautiful home. One day, I'll have my own home. No husband, no kids. Just well, maybe Kate and, me. She said she wouldn't mind being my roommate. But sometimes, I just want to be "that girl" you know? I want to be the first choice. Those girls have a house and a husband and children. I'll never be "that girl." Kate slept over again tonight. She told me I ain't got nothing to worry about. I can't really be myself around her, but I can be more of me than ever before. Listen, I know who I am. I know what I am, but that don't mean everyone's gotta know. No one can know._

Santana brought her knees up to her chest she openly wept until her chest hurt and her cheeks were sticky. The memory of sitting in Sue's office, seeing her commercial. Her wounded voice crying out, "I can't believe this is happening" playing over and over in her mind. Images of that TV commercial. Images of the boys in the halls trying to kiss her, touch her, to show her what she's missing. If she had to deal with that in 2012, she can't imagine what Betty might've gone through in the 1941. Santana's heart ached for herself and for Betty. When Santana was closeted it was because she was confused, lost, angry. Betty was closeted because she was afraid for her life if anyone found out.

_February 1, 1941_

_Gladys brought over some fancy Princess champagne and after a couple of glasses we decided to go see Leon, he works at the factory, to see his band play on the other side of town. Kate's been singing with him. I'm not thrilled Kate's been spending some much time with Leon, but only because it's not safe for her right now. No other reason. I told_

_Kate I don't like her singing, especially on the other side of town, and you know what she said to me? She said, __"I've found something I love. I don't care if I fall on my face."_

_I went back to Leon's club tonight, to see Kate sing. I could swear she was singing to me. She had to be singing to me. I know I can't let anyone know, but what if Kate is this way also. What if we could be this way together?_

Santana couldn't cry anymore, so she just started laughing. She laughed till her stomach muscles burned and her cheeks threatened to burst. She laughed till she twisted herself in the sheets, then she laughed some more. That crazy, internal, emotional laugh, that only happens when you've run out of all other emotions for the time being. She laughed at how much Kate reminded her of Brittany. She laughed at the idea of Kate giving Betty a shirt that said "Lebanese" on it and begging her to dance. She laughed at her foolishness for not putting that stupid shirt on and dancing with Brittany when she first asked. She laughed at how Brittany would have said the same exact thing that Kate said. Brittany pretty much told her that in front of their lockers, just put on the shirt and come dance with me or don't but I'm going to go dance. It wasn't because Brittany didn't love her, it was because she did. Santana thought about all those times she used to wish Brittany was singing to her, all those times she knew deep down in her gut that Brittany was dancing for her. She thought about all those times in the choir room Brittany would smile at her, and how Santana would die on the days she didn't. Back then all Santana thought about was how if she and Brittany could just be together, she wouldn't be afraid anymore. Santana knew Betty felt the same way about Kate, especially when Kate sang to her.

_February 8, 1941_

_I need to protect Kate. Her father, he found her. She ran away from him; he caused those scars I saw back on her first day. She ran away from him and he's been trying to find her ever since. He found her alright. I don't know what would've happened if I didn't walk into the boarding house that very minute. I scared her father off, protected Kate. I saved Kate._

_Kate saved me today. Vera came back to VicMu today, the first time since her accident. Gladys, the stupid Princess that she is, called Vera to work on the hook line. It scared the hell out of Vera. She knocked into some unarmed bomb casings that swung a little too close to me._ _When I saw those bombs swinging right next to me, all I could think about was Kate. Would Kate get hurt, let the brunt of the explosion fall on me, if it saves Kate. That's all I was thinking. Ever since I left the farm and my family, it's been about me. Taking care of me, now in a moment of possible death all I could think about was saving Kate._

_Kate ran over to me, she said, "Betty, when I saw those projectiles near your head my heart stopped." That made my heart stop. She held my hands. She held my hands in her own until she felt like I was safe. She was protecting me. I'm supposed to be protecting her and Kate ran over to protect me and make sure I was ok._

Santana thought back to all the times over the years that she had jumped in front of a bully's punch, or a thrown rock, or even took heat from Coach Sylvester to protect Brittany. Even all those times she couldn't tell Brittany, or herself, why. Sometimes she couldn't be brave enough for Brittany. Like that time Sue wanted to shoot Brittany out of the canon and Santana couldn't speak up because it was in front of Sue and Quinn, and all the Cheerios. And there were already all those rumors about her. Santana hung her head down to her chest, in shame, she was so scared of being found out back then, she'd think about risking Britt's life. When really all Santana ever wanted was to protect Brittany. Secrets make you do stupid things, Santana thought.

Then Santana started thinking about all times Brittany saved her, most times without Santana even realizing it. Like how it was Brittany who took them to talk to Holly Holliday and it was Britt's idea to have them sing a song about their feelings because Brittany knows, singing is the only way Santana is really able to express her emotions. Santana's heart clenched thinking about their performance of Landslide. She still looks back on that as one of her bravest moments ever. She was so scared, but she needed to show Brittany, show her friends, show herself that she could say her deep dark secret out loud and it might be, would be, ok. She meant every word of that song she sang with Brittany. She couldn't help but think about the time that had passed since Betty wrote her journals to Santana reading them today. "Time makes you bolder..." Santana hummed softly to herself, "I've built my life around you…"

_I met Kate at Leon's club again tonight. I went early to hear her practice. We've been doing that a lot lately, Kate singing. Me listening. When I got to Leon's club Kate was sitting at the Piano practicing. I sat down next to her; she was in a good mood. She was excited about singing. She saw I seemed a little tense so she started rubbing my shoulders, my neck. It felt like she was rubbing the courage right into my bones. I thought, this is it. This has to be it. I took her hand, looked at her milky white skin. I pressed my lips to her wrist, right where her pulse is. I pressed my lips to her pulse and then I said, "I really like you, Kate." And, Kate, she said, "I like you too."_

_Let me tell you, those Nazi's could've bombed that club right there at that very moment and I wouldn't have blinked. Those walls could have crumbled around us and I wouldn't have moved a muscle._ _I'm not a brave person. I don't like to rock the boat. I work hard and I live my life. I've never done anything like what I did next. I don't even want to write it down, I'll have to hide this: I kissed Kate._

_She pushed me away. Ten seconds after telling me she liked me, she pushed me away. In disgust. Like I was some sort of disease or like a bomb that might go off at any second. She pushed me away in disgust. I put myself out there, for the first time ever. FOR KATE. And now my secret is out, someone knows. Someone who can hold it over my head, who had power over me even before they knew. Someone knows and wildfire spreads fast._

_She said the kiss was disgusting, and she said if I couldn't see that what I did, what I did to her was disgusting, then I was disgusting also._

_She's the one who let her father do who knows what to her! She's the one with those scars on her back! She's the one who goes by a fake name, with fake papers. Fake papers she got by posing for some man! I'm not disgusting, she is!_

_She's not disgusting. I don't know if I am, but Kate's not. I shouldn't have kissed her. I should've known better. I can't do that. I can't do things like that, it's not ok. I tried to be brave, but I'm not brave. Being brave is keeping your secrets a secret and just living your life. I have a good life, I had a good life._

_I don't remember how I got back to the boarding house. I think I walked, walked through the bad part of town, over the railroad tracks, but when I got home I saw Kate. No matter what, my heart skips a beat when I see her. Then I saw her father, I started to get riled up, I was gonna protect her, but she called him. She was leaving with him. She was leaving because of me. She was leaving me._

_I couldn't breathe. It felt like there were 500 bombs sitting on my chest, getting ready to explode. I wanted to cry, cry for Kate and the life she was going back to; cry for me and the life I would go back to hiding; cry for both of us. I couldn't let her leave like this, I said, "I love you." Her father slapped me, I deserved it. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have kissed her. She told me she didn't want this." She said she, "never wanted me."_

_She left, but that doesn't mean she's gone. I swear I could've seen something in her eyes right before her father took her away. She's got a war raging inside of her just like I do. I don't know if it's the same war, but we're both fighting something. Gladys told me she'd help me find Kate, track down her father and save her. Again._

Santana hadn't thought about that day, that moment, in years. She pushed it far back into the depths of her mind long ago. Long before finding this journal, long before, finally finding happiness with Britt. Long before this moment when it all came flooding back:

Santana walked up to Brittany, their lockers side by side as always. "Hi, can we talk?" She felt her chest tighten, this was it. She was doing this now, right here. "I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in glee club. Because it's made me do a lot of thinking. And what I realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't. I want to be with you, but I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school."

Brittany spoke, "But, honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words."

Santana couldn't help but smirk a little inside, Brittany knew her too well, but she had more important things to say. She needed to be clearer with Brittany, she needed to just come out and say what she's been wanting to say for years, "Yea, I know, but I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that I love you. I love you, and I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please."

"Of course I love you! I do!" Brittany beamed.

Oh, thank goodness, Santana thought. It's over. They can be together. Brittany is hers and she is Brittany's.

"And I would totally be with you if it wasn't for Artie."

"Artie?" What is happening? What is she talking about? Santana's mind raced.

"I love him, too. I don't want to hurt him, that's not right. I can't break up with him."

Yes, you can! Santana thought, you don't love him! Santana's mind was screaming hundreds of things she wanted, needed to say at that moment, but only one thing came out, "Yes, you can! He's just a stupid boy!"

"But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know, if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single, I'm so yours. Proudly so."

If you asked Santana in fifty years to pinpoint the exact second her heart broke, she would bring you right back to this moment. Standing with Brittany in front of their lockers. At the exact moment Brittany says, "proudly so." Santana's heart broke open, tears came flooding out. Her heart broke for a lot of reasons that moment. It broke at the thought of not being with Brittany, it broke at the thought that her secret was out there now, out there for someone else to find, it broke with the pain of thinking she was free and clear, only to be shoved back underground, under the weight of her own self. She cried, she cried for herself a lot over those next few months.

"Yea, well, wow. Whoever thought that for being fluid, you could be so stuck." Santana sobbed out, she wanted to hurt Brittany, like Brittany had just hurt her, but she couldn't. But in that moment, it was her only choice. Self-preservation kicked in and she needed to save herself from any more heartbreak, if that was possible.

Brittany leaned in for a hug.

"Get off me!

_I thought I'd finally get the things I wanted, I thought that was promised to me, what if all that's a big lie?_

"Oh, Betty." Santana sighed, wiping the tears off her cheeks, off her neck and chin. Santana had long ago made peace with what happened with her and Brittany in front of the lockers that afternoon, but she didn't know how Betty could get over Kate calling her disgusting. She needed to know what happened but it was late and she was tired from experiencing Betty's journey and reliving her own. She placed the book back in the box, securing the ribbon. She leaned over to slide it under her bed before reaching for her phone on the nightstand.

"Hi baby. I know it's late, I'm sorry I woke you up. Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I was reading the journal my grandmother left me. Listen, Britt. Remember when I -I came out to you while you were dating Artie? And how I got mad at you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got mad at you and pushed you away. I know it's all in the past and we've talked about this before but I just need you to know that I'm sorry I ever treated you that way. I love you and thank you for letting me grow and learn and for waiting for me. I know, I love you too. Night, Britt."

Santana smiled at the ceiling drifting off to thoughts of Betty. She didn't know how, but in her heart she knew eventually Betty and Kate would be together.


End file.
